


Tea and Bones

by verboseDescription



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: mentions of taako and taakitz, not nearly enough mentions of susan, there was no reason for this other then no one had made them meet yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:07:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9664880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verboseDescription/pseuds/verboseDescription
Summary: Kravitz meets a friend with a similar fashion sense. They have a nice talk.





	

In front of him stand a seven-foot skeleton with glowing eyes and a dark robe. Something about his presence seemed notable, as if this was a sign that danger was afoot, in the same way air changes before a storm.

As a six-foot skeleton with glowing eyes and a slightly lighter robe, Kravitz wasn’t afraid, though he was feeling a bit miffed.

“That was my bounty, you know,” he says. “Whatever you were here for, I was the one who was supposed to collect.

EVERY BOUNTY IS ALSO, IN A SENSE, MY BOUNTY. I’M DEATH.

He had a voice that echoed through Kravitz’s skull, something that would have been more impressive if he didn’t know that several of his colleges could do the same.

But the skeleton in front of him was not one of his colleges.

Meeting Death who TALKS LIKE THIS and ferries souls to the afterlife, is different than meeting Death, ruler of the ethereal plane and queen of ravens, or even Death, one of the many grim reapers who work under said queen (technically, Kravitz and his coworkers counted more as Death-adjacent then actual Death, but you’ll find the living rarely care enough to make the distinction).

All of this _very_ different then “meeting death,” which is just the simple act of dying.

“Well, I suppose I was going to run into you eventually, then,” Kravitz replies.

WE HAVE ALREADY MET.

“Have we?”

I MEET EVERYONE. THOUGH GENERALLY NOT MORE THEN ONCE.

“I suppose we met when I died, then?” Kravitz frowns. “That was a long time ago. I don’t really remember that.”

I DON’T THINK THERE’S ANY REASON FOR YOU TO WANT TO.

“Because I died? Or did I seem a bit shaken up by the experience?”

I WOULD THINK THE LATER. YOU WERE CRYING.

“I don’t believe that.”

I’M SURE IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT HARD ENOUGH, YOU WILL REMEMBER THE EVENTS DIFFERENTLY THEN I DO. BUT THAT IS HOW I RECALL IT, AND I HAVE A VERY GOOD MEMORY WHICH REMAINS UNINCOMBERED BY THINGS SUCH AS EMBARESSMENT.

“You don’t have to talk like that, you know. Tricks like that only work on the living.”

I AM NOT TRYING TO BE IMPRESSIVE. THIS IS MY NATURAL VOICE.

“Oh. I suppose everyone else picked it up from you, then?”

I ASSUME SO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME FOR TEA AT MY HOUSE?

“You’re inviting me to your _house?_ Why?”

Death shrugs. Coming from a skeleton, especially one so renowned as him, it looked a bit comical.

DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY THINK, I HAVE A LARGE AMOUNT OF TIME ON MY HANDS. AND YOU SEEM AS IF YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

“I could always benefit from peace and quiet,” Kravitz replies. “And I suppose… if it’s alright with you, I think I’d like to ask your opinion on something as well.”

Death gives Kravitz a curt nod and the two slip into the ethereal plane near a small cozy looking cottage cloaked in darkness.

“I didn’t expect your house to look like that, to be perfectly honest,” Kravitz says as Death leads him inside.

NO ONE EVER DOES. BUT I PREFER IT THIS WAY. IT’S A NICE PLACE TO RAISE A CHILD.

“You have a _child?”_ He knows it’s rude, but Kravitz can’t help himself from staring with his mouth agape.

SHE WAS ADOPTED.

“I feel like that gives me more questions than it answers, honestly.”

IT’S VERY SIMPLE. I TOOK A CHILD WHO WOULD NOT HAVE LIVED OTHERWISE, AND GAVE HER A LIFE.

“In the ethereal plane.”

YES. IN THE ETHEREAL PLANE.

“Is that—I mean, did you, well—how was…,” Kravitz falters. “This is a ridiculous question.”

IT HAS BEEN OFTEN SAID THAT THERE ARE NO RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS, ONLY RIDICULOUS ANSWERS.

“Well, that’s a ridiculous answer.”

YES. I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT APPRECIATE THE SENTIMATE, HOWEVER.

“Well, I appreciate that you tried. But. I just wanted to ask if it was hard. To have a family and live in a place like this.”

IT WOULD BE HARDER FOR YOU, I THINK. BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

“Well, _that’s_ reassuring.”

I CAN SENSE THERE IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT—

“Is it because I said I wanted to talk about something?”

THAT CERTAINLY DID HELP. BUT I WAS GOING TO ASK IF YOU’D LIKE TEA NOW.

“Oh! That sounds lovely, thank you.”

Death slowly steps into the kitchen and puts on a kettle.

I NORMALLY HAVE A SERVANT FOR THINGS LIKE THIS, BUT ALBERT IS, LIKE MANY WIZARDS, A BIT UNPLEASENT AND UNAGREEABLE.

“I’m actually very fond of a wizard,” Kravitz tells him. “And I feel as though he’d agree with you completely.”

JUDGING BY WHAT I HAVE OBSERVED, IT SEEMS THAT ALL WIZARDS WHO HAVE FORMAL SCHOOLING ARE VERY INTENT ON MAKING SURE WE ALL KNOW THIS. OTHER WIZARDS SEEM TO BE SLIGHTLY MORE TOLERATABLE.

“Academia is a nightmare,” Kravitz agrees. He thinks Taako probably feels the same.

The two sit in comfortable silence as they wait for the tea to boil. While they wait, Kravitz sees a tiny skeletal rodent scurry across the room before turning to look at him.

SQUEAK, the rat says.

 _I knew it_ , Kravitz thinks, slightly smug. He _told_ Julia that the Death of Rats was real.

Soon the kettle starts to hiss and distracts him from the small animal on the ground. Death poor’s them both a mug and Kravitz finds out that Death takes his tea with a lump of sugar and some honey. Kravitz raises his eyebrow at this, but doesn’t comment.

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NO ‘HUMAN FORM’ DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT APPRECIATE GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF DRINKING A COMFORTING CUP OF TEA.

“That’s fair, I suppose.”

YOU STILL HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME. ARE YOU TRYING TO AVOID ASKING IT?

“No, I’m just very easily distracted,” Kravitz replies. “No one notices because I sound like I know how to pay attention. In any case, I suppose I just. Well. Wanted to ask for relationship advice?”

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

“Well, I know you already said it would be difficult for someone like me to have a family like you did, and I don’t doubt that, but would a relationship be the same?”

I AM NOT A VERY GOOD PERSON TO GO TO FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, BUT I SUPPOSE IT MAY HELP TO CONSIDER THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN OUR TWO REALMS. THERE WILL BE MANY THINGS HAPPENING TO YOUR LOVER THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPIRIENCE. IT WILL BECOME FRUSTRATING. HOWEVER, YOU MAY FIND THAT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO LIVING COUPLE AS WELL.

“I just feel like I’ve been dead too long for this,” Kravitz sighs. “I don’t remember what being alive feels like. Though I’m not sure we’d have that much in common if I was alive, either.”

It wasn’t as though he remembered nothing, but nothing he remembered about his life was anything he expected anyone to find relatable. The thing about memories was that small, insignificant moments like a lazy day at home faded quickly. But life was made up of mundane moments like that. And maybe those moments didn’t matter much to Taako—he probably hadn’t spent much time thinking about quiet moments in life, not when he was living so loudly and so _violently—_ but it mattered to Kravitz.

He didn’t like feeling left out. But this was something he felt when he was alive, too.

DO YOU REMEMBER SO LITTLE OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU CANNOT IMAGINE YOURSELF LIVING AND WITH A MAN YOU LOVE?

“I mean, I’m not the same person as I was when I was alive. But I don’t remember much of my actual _living._ Mainly, I just remember feeling tired.”

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THAT WAS A COMMON SIDE EFFECT OF HAVING A BODY.

“Not how _I_ felt it.”

I WILL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

“I’m a bit luckier than I could have been, I suppose. It’s easier to remember certain things because even now I get constant reminders. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I walk with my scythe like I walk with a cane. And I do have one! A cane, I mean. So it’s very easy to remember that I used one in my life because it’s not something that’s changed. But most of me has changed, I think.”

IT IS POSSIBLE TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

“I don’t know if I have, honestly. It’s been too long. I can barely remember anything I did wrong in my life. It’s just too far away. I want to say that the reason there’s so few things I still remember is because I’m just holding on to what’s important. But I can’t say for certain.”

DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT?

“I didn’t _used to._ I suppose that’s one of the problems with getting attached to the living—you start wondering about what it was like when you were one of them.”

THIS BOTHERS YOU.

“Well, a little, I suppose. I just. I don’t know what to do when they start talking about their _lives._ Getting older, having your physical form change without your consent—I _knew_ what that felt like, once. But now it’s like, I try and muster up some sort of feelings toward it but sometimes it just feels like… static.”

I THINK THIS IS A DISCUSSION YOU SHOULD HAVE WITH YOUR WIZARD.

“Am I oversharing? I’m sorry, I’ve never been really as put together as I look.”

I WOULDN’T SAY THIS IS OVERSHARING. JUST A CONVERSATION THAT HE MAY WANT TO BE A PART OF. I HEAR IT’S GOOD TO SHARE PARTS OF YOURSELF WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

“Thank you for those incredible words of wisdom. But I suppose you are right.”

I GENERALLY AM.

“I suppose I can’t ask you what happens to us? If you know. Living on different planes of existence is a bit of a long-distance relationship. It’s not always the easiest.”

I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT ALL LIVING BEINGS. I HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION ONE WOULD EVER NEED ABOUT ANYONE IN MY LIBRARY. BUT I CANNOT SHARE IT.

“Of course. I’m sorry I asked.”

DON’T BE. THERE ARE RULES THAT EVEN I CANNOT BREAK. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU DO NOT FOLLOW ALL OF THE SAME RULES.

“I’m sorry?”

I CANNOT GIVE THE BOOK TO YOU. HOWEVER, MY LIBRARY IS IN THE BACK OF MY HOUSE. AND IF YOU TOOK IT, THERE WOULD BE NOTHING I COULD DO.

“You want me to _steal,”_ Kravitz says, mouth open in shock. “From _you._ From _Death.”_

IT IS AN OPTION YOU HAVE, YES.

 _Taako would love this_ , Kravitz thinks. He opens his mouth to respond but his stone of farspeech goes off.

 _“Hey there corvid,”_ The Raven Queen’s voice calls, muffled slightly from his breast pocket. _“Could you come to my office soon? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”_

“Of course, my Queen,” Kravitz replies. “Is everything alright?”

 _“Oh, of course not, it never is,”_ The Raven Queen replies easily. _“There’s just something you might want to see.”_

“I’ll be there as soon as possible,” Kravitz promises. His stone dims and he looks at Death, who takes a sip of his tea. Kravitz stares intently for a moment, just to see if it falls out of him.

YOU MAY GO. IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU.

“If you enjoy a total stranger unloading his problems to you, I suppose,” Kravitz says. “Thank you for everything. I never thought I’d see you again. It was… interesting.”

Kravitz sets his tea down on the table and turns to open a portal.

KRAVITZ.

He turns his head back to face Death.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A GIFT.

Death hands him an hourglass. _His_ hourglass. The one that had shown the time he had left, when he actually had some. It was a morbid gift, but it was something Kravitz could use if he ever wanted to…

Well, he had another option now. Plus, he was totally showing it off to Taako.

“Thank you,” he says. “I’m not sure you should be allowed to do this either, but I appreciate it.”

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

Kravitz examines the hourglass. It’s old and worn with a golden trim that seems to glow in the darkness. After a moment, he shrugs and puts it in his pocket.  There’ll be time to think about that later.

For now, he has somewhere to be.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i just wrote this b/c i always see at least one fic in a fandom about an undead/immortal/dead/death themed character meets death, generally involving some sort of game and a sort of odd nogalistic feeling that i clearly could not produce, so i wrote the fic we were all waiting for. and by "we" i mean me. i hope u guys enjoyed too  
> i actually wanted to make kravitz disabled in my last fic with him but it occurred to me late so i hesitated!! but that's bunk. this is my universe, and if canon won't give me, a disabled person, what i want then *rolls up the sleeves im not wearing* fanon will have to do.  
> Also dead ppl can def be disabled! In case anyone was wondering, my person hc is that krav kind of has a bit of an idealized version of his living body (which is one of the reasons he looks so handsome, but he was very very handsome when he was alive as well) so with disability stuff its kind of when you're like "yeah, im ok with this but i'd really like it if I didn't have to deal with that too." and now that you're dead, you dont have to deal with that!


End file.
